Maybe you flinched at the title? Possibly you frowned in disapproval at the use of the word 'fat'? It's not very PC, nor nice in its abject truth. The very word sounds so...yucky.
And it really is. Unless spelled with a "PH" in place of the "F", overall this particular word in itself really is nothing but connected with negative connotations. Sure, there are the fat sandwiches of the world which seems a pretty good thing (unless you're trying to lose weight in which case, not so much) but there are more not-so-great things associated with this simple 3-letter word. Take for example fat wallets or fat cats. If these two can be attributed to a person, it's not so awesome unless of course, you are one and in these cases, you probably won't care what others think anyhow.
Then why am I even using this very uncomfortable word and doing so this deliberately and in a blog post no less?
If you don't know me in person and decided that you need or want to connect a real person to the online persona via your own imagination (not that I'm insinuating you will but in case...), I want to make that mental picture as accurate as possible which starts with the body although I think for me personally if I'm going to imagine anyone at all, I begin to wonder about the features on the face but that's neither here nor there. I just want to let you know that as you wonder about what I look like, in your mind, make sure that I'm plenty circular...physically. Because I am.
In fact, I am fat.
For those who have seen me, some may be rolling your eyes thinking, "oh you're not that big" but society and my scale tells me otherwise. And regardless of whether I am to any one individual, I believe it to be so hence this, and the following, entries.
Let me start by saying that typing out that word in connection to me is so not the easiest thing to accomplish. It's taken 48-years of revolutions around the sun to be able to type that one singular word. In the past when describing myself, I've used such terminologies as big, big-boned, large, plump, curvy, and the occasional 'no skinny mini', big but beautiful, all in hopes to be kind to myself and in honesty? Not to 'look so bad'. Think, "I'm big but I'm not that big" sort of mentality. It's stupid and unnuanced really. I mean who determins what is too big? Is there an exact science between one bigness to the next or after a certain weight, it's all huge? Here I'm not speaking scientifically but rather humanistically.
In the way I worded my own descriptors to those who hadn't yet laid eyes upon my person, the truth was that I was ashamed of myself, my body, and what it meant that I was fat. Nothing, as I stated above, seemed positive about being this size. My biggest fears being that I would be considered greedy, a glutton, unable to control my mouth and disgusting. I feared that my rolls would be all that I was as opposed to the woman who was inside.
Now when I was a child, before menstruating, I was indeed skinny, all gangly arms and legs with a big ass mop of black frizzy hair. I have proof of this in grainy picture form, the kind that is fading in the corner and sepia in color due from age, not an app filter. Those were the days when I spent more time outdoors trying to prove that a girl could do anything a boy (in this case my older brother). I hated skirts and panty hose, I didn't understand why anyone would want to wear jewelry or comb their hair and I was absolutely not going to sit on the sidelines and act 'girly'. That little one of my past, she was a tomboy. Often arriving home with scraped elbows or bloody knees, I truly believe my mother, who was always absolute grace, beauty, and femininity, no doubt suffered from some sense of hopelessness as she tried to threaten, cajole, beg, plead with me to somewhat conform to those girl-esq traits that were the norm. 
I wasn't
exaggerating
But after woman-hood came a-knockin', I started to balloon. I don't know whether it was subtle or not. To be honest I saw pictures of me thin and then not. I just knew that in elementary school, I wasn't like the other girls (aside from being maybe 1 of 5 South Asians which held me apart anyhow) and the styles that were popular, didn't quite look good on me as they did on the others.
Eventually as a woman, I was diagnosed with PCOS which I'll explain in a bit more detail on another blog. The one thing that became clear knowing I had PCOS was that it wasn't as simple as not eating right or laziness that was/is the reason for the over-weight but rather, for me, a bit of genetics involved. It brought me zero relief and only added frustration and a sense of anger at my own body.
Since then, like millions of others can attest to who struggle with weight issues, I've tried all those crazy fad diets, avoided going out due to feeling ugly, fantasized endlessly that if I were smaller, life would be perfect. I've gone to stores and had tears in my eyes as I tried out a size I swear I thought would fit, but didn't. I've gone home and wanted to just stay there, letting the walls become my permenant companions alnog with the television. And the tears? Rivers.
However, now what I want to do, for some of the blog entries to come, is share what it has been like, what it is like, to be fat existing within most (not all) societies which dictates that beauty should come in a slender package. I'm not fooling myself to believe that you, my dearest readers, haven't seen such similar thoughts on various platforms. In fact, I'm sure millions of articles, op-eds, posts, journals, articles, etc. of the exact same subject-matter are/have been floating around the universe for a long time.
My writing will just be another bunch of those, I suppose, testimonials of the defeated, self-hating despite the fact that we want to be doing the opposite. And ultimately speaking, am I writing this just to add my voice/experiences to the millions that came before? I don't know but the assumptions seems reasonable. Or am I going down this road to maybe simply relay my story in the most honest, straight forward form that I can think of while every portion of my rather private nature tells me to not say a word? I want to pretend that things are great with me, that I reflect a modern day inner strength that is synonymous with the evolved. To express the struggles in personal, me-driven insightful ways is not going to be easy. I'm anxious about it but determined that in doing these posts, I'll be helping myself along with, possibly, others.
As I've been told, it's not about the destination, rather about the journey, right? Akin to restarting to blog all over again, this is another trip I'm willing to take, fully exposing myself, my doubts, my pains, and my hopes of what can be. At the end of this exercise where I end up, who knows. At least though, I'll have something to look back at when I'm older (well, older than I am now) and be able to say that I was somewhat clued into myself, the difficulties that I faced, that I had some work to do regarding my own emotional/mental state, and was indeed trying to address them and most importantly, accepting the weaknesses that didn't come out of nowhere but I was still trying to turn into strengths through acknowleding, sharing and controling.
Yikes, all that sounds rather hokey.
If you're going to be following me, this will be a topic that will come up often with various shared memories. I'll warn you that these entries will probably be uncomfortable, saddening, a real downer. I'm not going to apologize for it simply because throughout my existance I've refrained from sharing due to not wanting to discomfort others but at this point, if you're going to click on my links, than you're going to be in this with me. I appreciate the companionship. Makes this seem so much less...dark.
Yet again, welcome to the ride which is my life.
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Oh, also, my computer has been on the blitz for a few days hence the big delay between this blog and the last. I'm actually aiming to post 1 entry per week, if not more, but lord knows that often times despite best intentions what I want to do goes to the wayside of what I have to do. Therefore, if you see that I've been slacking, send me a message and I'll snap to...promise.
Thanks for reading! Make the best of this moment that you can.
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