I tend to look at life with a mixture of uncertainty and hilarity. I get down into those dark spaces of my mind but in truth, I can't live there for long. Not that I cannot but I would rather not. Maybe it has to do with internal anxiety or that I'm not deep enough to constantly be doom and gloom? Whatever it is, you'll notice, as you follow me, that I will sometimes post something super serious and then the next could be about absolute nonsense. This helps to equalize me in a weird way.
Do you ever walk through your day looking for humor? I do. I think funny, overall, can be found in almost all situations. Okay, almost all but you get my gist. It may at times be obvious, other times it could be subtle. And because I am forever a writer, when it is totally not apparent to others at the hilarity of a situation, I'm filling in the blanks so when I repeat it, it's just a bit more giggle/chuckle-worthy.
This brings me to a few days ago to aptly highlight my ability to find humor anywhere/anytime...
The area I call home is beautifully diverse. An area that is represented by all nationalities and cultures, citizens inevitably have varied options for damn near everything. Whether you want Asian specific, European particular, or say you have the burning desire to be influenced by the continent of Africa, you got it. Stores, specialty shops, cuisines are all around so if one resides hereabouts and you have never experienced more than a diner (which are great so no hate here) and burgers, that's on you.
One of the best things for a person who cooks international food as I do is the varying amounts of grocery stores. In abundance around every corner, you can always catch me at the markets loading up on interesting ingredients, some of which I recognize, others which make me arch an eyebrow. And it can be hours of perusing aisles before I leave. It's a totally different story as to what I do with ingredients once having procured. My culinary stories could be a whole blog unto itself.
But I digress...it was precisely one of these grocery stores that I had an epic battle with a toddler.
One doesn't hear this often and I'm not ashamed. I feel the need to share this story because the little tyke had what he got, coming. Oh yeah. That's right.
So on a particularly 'who knows how to dress for this weather' day in beautiful Northern Virginia, I'm regretting former laziness and knowing that without cooking, there would be starvation up in the hizzouz. Thus I am at the market completely unprepared as to what I'll prepare but figure surely there will be inspiration once I'm faced with the options? By the way, that technique really never works.
Anyhow, I'm going up and down the produce aisles hopeful for some sort of miracle in the form of maybe an eggplant standing up, strolling over to me, pulling at my tee, and whispering recipes into my ears? But alas, it may come as zero surprises but that didn't happen. In a state of semi-annoyance, at one point I felt like I was being watched. Unsure, surreptitiously I glanced about only to come face-to-face with my nemesis in the form of what seemed to be a 2-year-old or thereabouts toddler. I can't say I would be able to identify the imp for s/he was bundled up as if we lived in the tundra. But the eyes...
Ah yes, the steely gaze was steady, unblinking. And since that really was all I could see, they were everything. Big, round, and I think, judgemental. Do I sound paranoid? Well I mean, the look was enough to have me glancing down at what I was wearing which was a slightly stained burgundy sweatshirt (yeah, but it was clean and laundered), black leggings, and yellow sneaks (the same as Bruce Lee wore during "Enter the Dragon"). My hair was a haphazard unwashed mess and I think my eyeliner was a little smudgy, but not in a good way. Sure, the kid had every reason to judge the shit out of me but at that age?!? He had the nerve to continue to gaze at me in disdain without once batting a single eyelash. Didn't air dry his/her eyes out, I had wondered, turning away to continue to consider the produce in stacks before me.
But here's where I felt like s/he was doubling down like some creepy kid in those horror movies, or maybe her/his mother was in cahoots because every few steps, there they were, him/her in the stroller, staring. Once hyper-aware of the watching imp, I would escape to another aisle and within seconds s/he was there again. If The Toddler suddenly began to levitate, I wouldn't have been all that shocked, to be frank. At every turn, the eyes were staring and judging my very existence. I tried to tune them out but my mind loves to mess around with me and thus ignoring her/him almost impossible.
Now the mother, or whoever she was, seemed oblivious. Maybe she didn't know her child was an embodiment of Damian from The Omen and while I would have loved to clue her in, she was way too busy on the phone talking really loudly. She gave zero fucks basically leaving me up to my own devices. I had to wonder if the kid was silently cursing me or something for even a display of sweets did not deter his gaze.
How did this showdown come to a close?
Well, approximately 5 aisles in, feeling slightly unbalanced as well as determined to go home and shower, dress, and put on make-up because for realz...I turned as if we were having a standoff at the OK Corral, I stared at them. They were about 25 feet away. She was super into her conversation which I didn't understand because I don't speak Spanish (I really, really need to learn) and of course the tyke was still staring, but now in chubby hands was clutched a juice thingie...you know the ones with two handles on either side. And the staring was still going but I was about to nip it in the bud.
Facing them fully, well her/him, hands on either side of me, one clutching the phone that was piping in some Bollywood song into my ears, the other one flexed into a fist, I did the only thing I could: I stuck out my tongue.
Bingo.
His/her eyes flared in momentary shock. And before The Toddler could do anything further, I made a run for it.
Yup, I left, like a coward. Straight to the register, quickly I paid up and hustled the hell out of the store before s/he found me to lift me into the air with just her/his mind as s/he forced molten magma out of every orifice.
I barely escaped with my life. I probably have a curse following me so I'll have to take up sage-ing myself and everything I own.
Am I being dramatic? Mayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyybeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Did you laugh? I hope so.
Hey, do me a favor and look for funny in the humdrum/mundane. And feel free to share with me in the comment section. And laugh, apparently it's good for the soul.
Have a great day!
I adore you.
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